Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys
in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your
suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia
has set in.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't
running very well, I will pop the bonnet and stare at the engine as if
I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say
to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all
these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We
will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I
need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed
and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon
to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot
be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu" For all I know
these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me
to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a
euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our
appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite
evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair
person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the
television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has
been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time
I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're
all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone.
Why would you listen to a complete stranger. I mean, how the hell could
he know where we're going?
Because I'm a man, there is no need to
ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or
beer, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to
visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her
when she calls, or think about her anymore than I have to. Whatever you
got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't
forget to pick up something for my Mom, too!
Because I'm a man, I am capable of
announcing, "One more beer and I really have to go", and mean it every
single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar
closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find
it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be
home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into
the front yard. Like, what's the connection?
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask
me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of
it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, yes, I have to turn
up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then,
yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his
picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim
Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do
not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're
wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was
fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it
looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after
all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the
laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll
do the rest.
This has been a public service message for
women, to better understand the male animal
