The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Review by
Clint Morris
 This’ll
sound familiar. Most of it anyway:
Five young friends stop to pick up a
hitchhiker while on a road trip through Texas in 1973. Unfortunately
she’s a frantic young woman, who pulls out a gun and blows a hole
through her head, only minutes after taking a seat in the van.
Now, stunned witnesses – Erin [Biel]; her
boyfriend, Kemper [Eric Balfour]; bright Morgan [Jonathan Tucker];
insensitive Andy [Mike Vogel]; and sexpot hippie Pepper [Erica
Leerhsen] – find themselves caught in a moral dilemma – where they’ve
got to decide what to do with the body.
Unfortunately, they pulled over to the side
of the road to make such a decision, not far from a house belonging to
a clan of cannibals, including the chainsaw-wielding Leatherface
[Andrew Bryniarski] and a puzzling, frightful sheriff [R.Lee Ermey].
Put your running shoes on.
“I won’t go back there, don’t make me go
back there.” That’s a line from the film at hand, but don’t be
surprised guys, if that’s also what you’ll hear your girlfriend screech
as you pull her towards the ticket box for a revisit with iconic
slasher, Leatherface.
Fortunately for them, and regrettably for
you, a lot of the scares so perceptible in the 1970’s version of The
Texas Chainsaw Massacre won’t be making their projected
repeat and, if anything, said girlfriend will be over her lifelong fear
of the chainsaw slaughterer within minutes of the film’s finish.
Okay, so Marcus Nispel’s remake of The
Texas Chainsaw Massacre isn’t exactly Bambi,
but it’s certainly not the gruesome, edge-of-your-seat splatter fest
that audiences lapped up in the 70’s. With so many great – and
genuinely scary – horror movies since the original film was released,
it’s surprising one would even reconsider remaking the groundbreaking
horror flick.
After all, it’s a lot harder to shock and
scare an audience now than it was twenty years ago. It’s all been done,
and in the case of this film, much better.
In comparison to the original film, much of
the storyline has been changed and the unrefined, but effectual look of
the film replaced by something slightly slicker. Needless to say, the
impetus of the film remains the same – said leatherface roars around
the house chasing frightened teenagers, knocking all of them, bar one,
off.
But this reads like a very different film.
Unlike its predecessor, the kills are
derivative, the suspense almost non-existent and unlike this film’s
grand trailer, rather insipid. For the most part, Nispel’s film reads
as generic slasher film number 101 - nothing more, no less.
Those that have never experienced the
original film, or swore they’d never see something so frightening
again, will be the ones to get the most out of this one. Jessica Biel
[TV’s 7th Heaven] improves proceedings by donating an appropriately
frazzled-heroine turn to the film, and the film’s appreciably tight and
hurried plot will scare points with most youngsters.
But what it lacks is blood and scare. And
really, is that doing the iconic title justice?
Enough of the remakes already.
3 out of 5
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Australian release: Thursday November 20th
Cast: Jessica Biel, Eric Balfour, Jonathan Tucker, Mike Vogel, Eric
Leerhsen, Andrew Bryniarski, R.Lee Ermey.
Director: Marcus Nispel.
Website: Click here
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