King Arthur
Review by Clint Morris
 In
Robert Altman’s brilliant piss-take on Hollywood, The
Player (1992), the lead characters unremittingly referenced
inexplicably ham-fisted movies – that no one in their
right mind would really make - that their fictional studio
reportedly had in production.
Cut to some twelve years later and ideas just as bad, which
previously would’ve seen a studio exec sent to a sanatorium
because of their psychosis, are actually being signed off
on.
For starters, there’s been a comatose comedy remake
of 70’s thriller (yes, thriller) The Stepford Wives,
a computer-generated concoction based on the cartoon-strip
Garfield, a script-less feature version of kids book
The Cat in the Hat, even a greenlight for a Back
to School – the unexceptional 1986 comedy starring
Rodney Dangerfield – rework.
And that’s only a handful of the hundreds of harebrained
ideas that have been given the thumbs up of late. Now, some
studio mastermind has ordered a fresh take on the ‘King
Arthur’ legend.
This time, the filmmakers have been forced to expunge engaging
fluff and virtuoso for ‘the real story’ which essentially
consists of little more than folks with the same names as
those in the ‘Camelot’ tale, a skirmish on ice,
and grog guzzling ogres with axes.
It’s hard to believe that such an idea even read well
on paper...
The Jerry Bruckheimer-produced, Antoine Fuqua-directed, King
Arthur is – according to the press kit – “the
definitive story” of the shining Knight in Armour we’ve
been reading about an watching in the movies for all these
years.
 Seems
Arthur was more than fodder of fable, he was a real guy (played
by Clive Owen, the guy they’re talking up as a potential
future-James Bond), someone who was torn between his private
ambitions and a public sense of duty.
Arthur wants to leave Britain and return to the peaceful
surroundings of Rome.
Before he can do that though, he and his men (The Knights
of the Round Table), have to go on a final mission in which
they ultimately realise that when Rome is gone, the Brits
are going to need a new leader.
With the assistance of former enemy Merlin and a beautiful,
gutsy girl-with-bow-and-arrow named Guinevere (Keira Knightley),
the dashing knights go head-to-head in a final battle with
the iniquitous Saxons.
All this, without even a mention of a place called Camelot…
Bruckin’ Jerry is right at home when it comes to producing
films that are all about razzle-dazzle and fantasy (see Pirates
of the Caribbean for a top example), but if Disney
wanted audiences to swallow a real-take on the Arthur legend,
they’ve made a crucial mistake by hiring someone who
wouldn’t know accurateness if it hit him right between
the goolies.
King Arthur might look like a historical epic, but
how on earth anyone can take it acutely, what with its zooms,
the ‘arrow cam’, the cheesy dialogue and naive performances?
Also, not adding anything to its level-headedness is the
total extraction of anything bloody or pragmatically violent
from the film. Had the filmmakers aimed for an R-rating and
not PG, audiences would’ve at least have had some realistic,
bloody, action scenes to soak in. You’ll be hard pressed
spotting an ounce of blood here, it’s all covered up
– now that’s the “fantasy” version.
 As
for the cast, the three leads might be currently being marketed
as three of the biggest rising players in Tinseltown, but
there’s nothing in this that’s even fitting for
a soupcon of their show reels.
Owen effectively ruins his chance of headlining any future
major blockbuster (including 007) by serving up a tired,
apathetic performance of an apparently gallant Knight.
Keira Knightley does little more than look pretty and leave
her bottom-lip hanging open – which gives the impression
that she’s much more ready to ride Arty’s bones
than fight another horde of enemy militia – and new ‘it
boy’ Ioan Gruffudd (who has recently nabbed the high-profile
role of ‘Mr Fantastic’ in Fox’s Fantastic
Four blockbuster-to-be) might get a fair bit of screen-time
in the film, but he’s clearly only given about three
or four lines. In short, he makes a far less impression than
any of the cast.
Even Australia’s Joel Edgerton carries himself better
in the role of Gawain, and thankfully, the dependable Ray
Winstone (Sexy Beast) is in the film too and gives
a droll, slightly-more realistic take of an uncultured abet
to Arthur’s side.
There’s obviously been a lot of work put into the film
– the locations are exquisite, and a sequence involving
cracking ice and opposing armies is a highlight, possibly
the only highlight – but if this is the real take on
King Arthur, I’d personally prefer more of the bullsh*t
myth-version they’ve been serving up since film begun.
2 out of 5
King Arthur
Australian release: Thursday July 15th
Cast: Clive Owen, Ioan Gruffudd, Keira Knightley, Joel
Edgerton, Ray Winstone, Hugh Dancy, Stephen Dillane, Stellard
Skarsgard, Til Schweiger.
Director: Antoine Fuqua.
Website: Click
here.
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