Transporter 3

Review by Brian Prisco
View Trailer : Transporter 3

The Transporter franchise has always been a knock off the James Bond series.

Sleek black cars whirling wildly around the mountainous foothills and back roads of Europe, coupled with a stylish gentleman in a suit who beats up bad guys with martial arts moves, and all the while sweeping seductive ladies off their feet.

With the move to America for Transporter 2, the action got bigger and dumber - careening vehicles through parking structures, flipping them off ramps and landing unscathed, using propane tanks like rocket grenades - while the premise stayed the same.

Fast cars, loose women, kinetic kung fu.

The Transporter flicks have always been Luc Besson's babies, the Frenchman who adores sleek killing machines.

So I put the blame for the third installment in his hands since the project took a turn from the raucous to contemplative.

It is the same movie as the other two.

Transporter 3 is less of a structured narrative and more of a by-the-book franchise in-joke.

Jason Statham has to drive something - usually a woman - for a creepy guy who might be a model in international GQ or Esquire.

Things go awry, Jason Statham beats up a bunch of multicultural henchmen with an assortment of Home Depot supplies.

He has some of the sex with the woman, and then drives really fast in a shiny black car, usually backwards or on two wheels or doing Burnquist darkslides with an Audi.

He foils the plot, saves the day and goes on to collect his reward of more money, the girl, and a much needed vacation.

The flick follows Frank Martin who is enjoying retirement in Marseilles with the lovable Detective Tarconi (Francois Berleand, reprising his role).

A job he passed on has come back to haunt him, and now he is forced to drive around with a Ukrainian government official's daughter (Natalya Rudakova) while a creepy American hired goon (Robert Knepper) feeds him coordinates through a wired GPS.

The catch this time is has got a bracelet bomb on his wrist that will explode if he doesn't keep the bus above 55mph or walks more than 75 feet from the car.

Apparently, the bracelet has liquids in it that will combine into an explosive which will blow up the elementary school in New York, blow up The Transporter as well as the girl.

It is strangely reminiscent of Charlie Sheen's magnum opus The Chase (where he hijacks Kristy Swanson, starting up just as likely a relationship, and drives around, only not nearly as entertaining or fun).

Not that there is anything wrong with that!

When you go to McDonalds in another state, province, or country, you know what you are going to get every time. You aren't expecting a four star meal. With the Transporter films, we don't ask for much other than Jason Statham taking off his shirt, jump-heel kicking a guy in the face and driving really fast while talking in a charming accent.

Which he does. So for most of you, this movie will be a rollicking success.

The biggest worry here is that Transporter 3 lacks the non-stop action of the first movie and the balls out fun of the second.

It manages to retain the worst qualities of both films: the "barely there" plot from the first and the "conveniently shit-tarded" plot advances of the second.

No one expects high art from Transporter 3, but you at least want more action.

I love big, dumb action. Action movies should be stupid and incredulous with insane stunts and brutal fight sequences. High octane slugfests have made Bourne and Daniel Craig's Bond watchable.

When Frank Martin beats up ten hulking brutes with pieces of his SUIT, you are laughing. He uses a combination of taekwondo and Men's Wearhouse to strangle a goon and hurl him so he can strip his way down the clothes line, until he finally whips off the belt and makes all the ladies (and some of the fellas) swoon.

At this time of year, when A-list actors are shown in massive close ups and are sporting glycerin stained eyes shouting "Give Me Back My Baby!" or "Get Off My Lawn!", something like this is a welcome distraction.

It doesn't expect an Oscar nod, it just wants to delight you with a half naked Jason Statham and severe beatings.

Sadly they are so few and far between.

Most of the movie is spent in the car with Statham trying to hold a conversation with Valentina, who is quite possibly the worst female accompaniment since... well, insert your own Sarah Palin joke here.

The character of Valentina utterly unpleasant, going from bitchy and steel mouthed to absolutely bonkers for British biscuits.

She spends most of the movie complaining about being hungry or sleeping, when she's not making raccoon eyes at Statham. Secondly, she just isn't that pretty. Her dress would better serve as curtains in the VIP room at a strip club or the backdrop for a Siegfreid and Roy special (post mauling).

Not to mention the fact that she doesn't exactly "fill it out" either. Then, there is her face. I've got nothing against people with freckles, but seriously, when God farted her into existence, she took both barrels and the butthole right in the face. It's like fourteen years worth of melted chocolate chip cookies never got wiped off. 

Statham does what he always does: squints, looks good in a suit half naked and hardscrabbles his way through dialogue. That is all he has to do, and he does it well. He has managed to carve a nice little niche for himself in the action world, despite his tiny stature and bald head, and we're all the happier for it.

Despite the Gallic boner the filmmakers have for Rudakova, she and Statham have almost no chemistry. At one point, Statham stops her sexual advances and says, "What are you doing?".  One can only assume it doesn't appear that way in the script.

Now, it has been purported by several sources that Transporter 3 may be a spoof of the other two films. In fact, it provides a much more enjoyable experience when viewed that way.

Director Olivier Megaton feels like he was little more than a megaphone for Besson, and Luc's just the wacky kind of guy who would pull shit like this off . It makes a mockery of the villains, the stunt heavy action movie, the sexualizing of a Bond-like character, all of that.

Personally, I just don't buy into that theory. Granted, there is one escape sequence involving a MacGyver-esque inhalation of tire air to float the car and keep Martin breathing that is so ridiculous that it better be a joke.

Perhaps Besson has just lost his edge. He has forgotten the explosive craziness that made the first two flicks great. The world is starting to pass you by when your most exciting stunt involves driving a car into a train, a stunt that was one of the tamer sequences in the visually arresting Wanted - it really makes you wonder what he has got left in his bag of tracks.

That said, Jason Statham will never lose his appeal - and that's what ultimately saves Transporter 3.

Besson hopefully has a little powder left in the cannon. Transporter 3's not enough of a dreadful film to deter them from making more. I just hope they return to the world of the second Transporter, with more hokey explosions and flashy action.

Introspection's fine in moderation, but we must never forget the entire purpose of this movie is to have a naked Statham kicking around Eurotrash.

2 out of 5

Transporter 3
Australian release: 5th February, 2009
Official Site: Transporter 3
Cast: Jason Stratham, Francois Berleand, Eriq Ebouaney
Director: Olivier Megaton

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