Twilight

Review by Sean Lynch
More Twilight : Second Opinion Review | Twilight - Trailer

Less than ten minutes before attending the screening of the teen smash hit Twilight (based on the series of books which have sold in the multi-bazillions) I was fervently attacked by an AICN reviewer with a flurry of fists.

Granted,the fists were thrust in a way that only a fellow movie nerd could - but none the less, the message behind the violent flapping of keyboard indented hands was still the same.

The reasonings behind such an attack?

Well, it seems said journo took umbrage at the fact that I awarded the Christmas romp Four Holidays with a sickly sweet "Four Wombats".

The question asked: "How could you! What the hell is wrong with you?".

In my defense, I explained in great detail that my review was totally justified... when considered in terms of it's rating for it's genre.

You see, Four Holidays is no Schindlers List. But it's not trying to be either.

But when you hold Four Holidays up against something in a similar Christmas Caper vein, like Christmas With The Kranks or The Santa Clause - it's actually quite good fun...

A "Four Wombat" movie you might even say.

And to be honest - I was pretty damn happy with this answer.

All of a sudden, I had opened my reviewing world up! Now a Will Ferrell movie could quite happily be a Five Star movie, just as a Meryl Streep drama could also be awarded Five Stars.

Not when compared to each other - but when compared to a similar genre.

But the smile was wiped off my face as soon as the first glossy reels of Twilight began to roll. All of a sudden, my flawless system of fair reviewing was being put to the test.

As much as I love the idea of it, and as much as the cynical Buffy nerd inside of me wanted to enjoy Twilight... there was not a single redeemable feature I could find about the film.

Every element of Twilight seemed utterly laughable to me:

• The ridiculously over the top performances

• The fact it took half the movie for the lead character to figure out her crush was a vampire

• The lack of continuity with movie Vampire folklore (gold dust anyone?)

• The non-sensical erratic wavy movements of the camera

• Gravity defying hair

• The fact that Kristen Stewart sounds like she is getting a colonoscopy in the middle of each sentence she struggles to spurt out

... and of course... Those "brooding stares".

I'm not kidding I actually laughed out loud at several points.

I turned to my side, to share a knowing smile of "how lame is this" with my trusty "movie nerd" girlfriend, only to see one of the most frightening sights in my life.

She was utterly fixated on the screen... and the thing is, she wasn't the only one.

I looked around the entire cinema, peered at every single woman - all of whom shared the same fixated-on-the-screen facial expression as my gal.

It was like a scene out of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers, where people just stop in the streets and stare blankly towards the sky.

What the hell was I missing?

Even I can appreciate a "Teen Hottie" or a "Total Hunk", I'll even happily admit to being sucked in by the on screen romance of even the cheesiest of formulaic rom-coms. But... this?

What was everyone staring at?

It wasn't until the film finished did the hypnotic stare wash off the faces of the females in the room. As we left the cinema my girlfriend finally uttered her first words word since the credits had started to roll:

"I have never been more sexually excited by a movie in my life"

Yep - I was pretty floored too... if only because it totally destroys any pre-conceived notions I had about my own efforts within the relationship for the last four years.

However, since that screening, it seems she isn't the only one.

The books were a phenomenon, the obsession for the characters, the obsessions for the actors, the obsession with the "damsel in distress" story - it seems to be a universal feeling of love and lust emanating from pretty much any human with ovaries.

In all seriousness, there is something about the Twilight story and mythology which is quite fun and exciting. In fact, the second half of the film does start to find it's legs and shows a glimpse of how good the film could be.

And as much as I want to hate Twilight for instilling a feeling of male inferiority (seriously... if even I'm not pale enough to be considered "Vampire Sexy" something is seriously wrong) you get the feeling that with a bit of fine tuning it's sequel, New Moon, could be pretty damn cool.

So did I like it - No.

Did I "get it" - No.

But you know what, at the end of the day, 25 million teenage book readers and $200 million worth of American teen girl movie goers - plus my own girlfriend - can't be wrong.

So, I guess, according to my flawless idea of genre movie ratings... Twilight is the movie-event of the year.

"Teen Girls With Crushes On Pale Skinned Grumpy Looking Boys" Genre Rating : 5 out of 5

Twilight
Australian release: 11th December, 2009
Official Site: Twilight
Cast: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Peter Facinelli, Billy Burke, Elizabeth Reaser
Director: Catherine Hardwicke