Vampires Suck

Review by Sean Lynch

Some reviewers suggest that it's almost impossible to review a comedy without repeating and ruining the movie's best jokes - luckily for reviewers everywhere, Vampires Suck doesn't contain any jokes.

Unfortunately for audiences, Vampires Suck doesn't contain any jokes.

Jason Friedberg and Aaron Aaron Seltzer (Date Movie, Meet The Spartans) have been gang-raping the good name of spoof comedy built by the Zucker Brothers (Flying High, Naked Gun) for almost a decade now - and sadly, Vampires Suck won't be their last victim.

Taking aim (Hollywood code for "cashing in") at the phenomenally successful Twilight Saga, Vampires Suck is film making at it's laziest.

Becca (Jenn Proske, the only shining light here, delivering one of the single best impressions of Kristen Stewart's "I'm constipated" school of acting) is torn between two boys: the mysterious, moody, ridiculously pale vampire guy - or the stable and sweet werewolf one who reminds her of a "little gay brother".

Yep, it's Twilight satire as written via witty Facebook status comments.

Taking the exact script of the movie you are "spoofing", changing a few words, occasionally referencing (not making actual jokes, literally just mentioning) a popular piece of TV or film from the last 6 months, or adding the word "bling" every now IS NOT considered comedy - or film making for that matter.

Yet this is exactly what Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have managed to do once again... and as usual, they have been handsomely rewarded for their efforts.

Somehow the flick has already made more money than the truly unique and excellent Scott Pilgrim vs The World ever will. The world has gone officially mad!

Let's get this straight, this isn't "So Bad It's Good" ala The Room - Vampires Suck is simply "So Bad".

The public should bear the weight of blame for Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer's films' existence too. For some unknown reason, we keep paying to see their movies.

Much like a spicy Indian curry from that questionable restaurant that's around the corner from your house - we all know what the result will be at the end of the night... yet there is always that 20% of your brain that thinks (and believes) that this time... just maybe... it might be a tasty dish.

But sadly, like the curry, after two hours of devouring and barely digesting the meal all you are left with is the foul stench of shit - and a bacterial parasite inside your large intestine that, without you knowing it, will make you hungry for more of the same at some point in the future.

Avoid at all costs.

0 out of 5

Vampires Suck
Australian release: 26th August, 2010
Official Site: Vampires Suck
Cast: Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Christopher Riggi
Director: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer