Wild Hogs

Review by Clint Morris

They say you shouldn’t take any notice of what people say – unless, of course, they are referring to either the latest Tim Allen movie; or the latest John Travolta blunder, or the latest Martin Lawrence debacle. Then, you should take notice of what they say. They’re probably right – and they could be saving you not only money, but also giving you back an hour-and-a-half of your life.

Those same people will be stuck for words when they hear that it’s the three of them – yep, The Santa Clause; Danny Zuko and Big Momma– sharing the screen this time. Well, that’s almost an unexplainable, undreamt of occurrence – right? Surely, the trade ad’s got it wrong?

All one can to say that has encountered such a trite triple act is… bring the Kleenex; this is so sad, you’ll be in tears till Wild Hogs hits DVD.

And not in a good way.

Admittedly, Travolta; Allen and Lawrence have all had their share of hits – Travolta with Grease, Saturday Night Fever and Pulp Fiction; Allen with The Santa Clause films, and Lawrence with Bad Boys and its sequel – but in latter years, they’re the emblem of washed-up desperate has-beens. Everything they touch… turns to shit. It’s a pity. They all have their merits. But Wild Hogs smells of nothing more than three men joining forces in a singular attempt to resurrect all of their careers. And, what better way to do it than in a family-friendly Disney comedy, hey? They go well, right? They’re usually OK, too…

Whilst the verdict’s not yet out on how well this’ll do (box office suggests it may just make enough money for Disney to pay the Hell’s Angels after they sued them for using their name in an earlier draft of the script), the pronouncement is in on just how OK this is… and the answer resembles a see-saw in need of oiling. In other words, it’s very wonky.

Travolta, Allen, Lawrence and Macy (he’s the guy that needs this the least) play four middle-aged losers – all screaming for a bit of excitement in their lives – that decide to hit the open highway for a break. The ‘Wild Hogs’ (as the patchwork on their jackets declare them) don’t get too far though, when they encounter a rowdy gang of ‘real’ bikers (led by Ray Liotta), and ultimately, inadvertently burn down their bar.

You can pretty much guess the rest – Wild Hogs seek solace in nearby small town, where they make a couple of new friends, but their peaceful stop-over is interrupted by their old friends, seeking vengeance for the bar – right?

The problem with the film isn’t so much the actors – they, in fact, make it worthwhile; and from what I hear, worked from an unworkable script – but the very Vanilla script. It’s a bit of a mess. Ya see, this is supposed to be a ‘road’ movie, but yet the guys seem to be only on their bikes, riding down the desert highway, for about 15 mins of the film – before they permanently stop off, for the rest of the movie, at the one locale. One can’t help but think if the script actually took the guys ‘somewhere’ – rather than the one little diner in the one little town – it might have actually been a little more endurable. In its current form, Disney really should ask writer Brad Copeland for their cheque back.

But yes, the actors do deserve a slap across the cheeks for even pretending we’d want to see them in something like this. If anything, all three (four; including Macy) should’ve had their respective agents send this script back to Disney marked ‘unread’. I mean, the fact that the guy who directed Van Wilder and Buying the Cow, Walt Becker, was attached to direct this . . .should’ve been enough to put them off from the moment it was Fed-Ex’d over to their agencies.

Travolta, Allen and Lawrence are three actors screaming for credibility right now… and this won’t give it to them. Travolta needs a hit like there’s no tomorrow – dude, fire your agent; maybe get back in with Jonathan Krane – Allen’s been exposed as the one-trick wonder he is (he may wear different outfits in movies; be it a Santa suit or a dog suit, but here’s still doing the same ol’ “ho, ho, hooo” shtick), and Lawrence? Well, there’s a reason they pay Chris Tucker $25 million a movie - and it’s because they know whose next in line to grab the role if Tucker passes. Together, they’re like the Three Desperate Stooges.

But Wild Hogs isn’t all bad… in fact, for about 16 mins there… I thought it might’ve turned out OK. Maybe that’s because there were 16 pages of script… and the rest was just made up as they went along? (According to the grapevine, that’s reportedly the case).

These Wild Hogs are cooked beyond consumption.

1.5 out of 5

Wild Hogs
Australian release: 8th March, 2007
Cast: John Travolta, Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence, William H. Macy, Tichina Arnold
Director: Walt Becker, Jack Gill
Trailer: Click here.