The Gamers 12 Step Program
By Stephen Pastic
Like many of you, I believe I have a problem
and now realise that I need help. My actions have caused me to neglect
my obligations, created periods of financial strain, and left me with a
sense of powerlessness with regard to my situation.
My name is Stephen Pastic, and I am a
compulsive "day one purchaser". Despite my stack of hitherto neglected
games residing in my home, I am compelled to purchase many new releases
as soon as they become available, and in doing so, digging my
frustrated completionist's hole even deeper.
I have given no regard to the fact that many
of these titles are generally available for half the cost if I could
only wait a couple of months, and thought little of my responsibility
to the unfinished games residing with me that depend upon yours truly
for completion. Forgive me, fellow gamers - I know not what I do.
In an effort to remedy this mea culpa, I
intend to make a positive difference. Taking a cue from those fine
"Jesus enthusiasts" at Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), i have drafted the
world's first twelve step program for sufferers of "Day One Purchaser"
For all whom this resonates with, Stephen
Pastic simply wants you to know that you are not alone...and that he is
totally not being turbo-douchey in referring to himself in the third
person. Let the healing begin, my friends!
The 12 Steps for the DOP Afflicted:
1. We admitted we were powerless over day
one purchases - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of
God - or failing that, Bobby Kotick as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral
inventory of ourselves, and our gaming collections.
5. Admitted to either God, to ourselves, and to another human being -
preferably Shigeru Miyamoto - the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have either God or David Jaffe remove all
these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him (AKA Hideo Kojima) to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, games we had neglected,
and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to
do so would injure them or others - or where it would collide with
experiencing a fully awesomesauce title before spoilers happen.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong
promptly admitted it, even if we had previously assumed the game to be
11. Sought through prayer, meditation and headshots to improve our
conscious contact with God, and our Kill/Death ratios as we understood
them, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to
carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we
tried to carry this message to other DOP sufferers, and to practice
these principles in all our affairs.
To any fellow DOP afflicted persons who have
had the courage to read this far : Congratulations! You have taken the
first step to conquering the element of your life which has caused you
so much unneccessary pain.
I want you all to know that there are people
who care, even if those people are not the ones who put you up for
adoption 22 years ago. Seize the day, my friends! Your new life in
gaming begins now!