How to Start A Flame War on a Gaming Site
By Stephen Pastic
We gamers are an opinionated bunch. Games
old and new are routinely compared to titles even remotely similar -
and in certain cases, compared to games with zero in common save for
their interactivity.
As online gaming media has become more and more prolific, ordinary
people such as you and i have been given the opportunity to voice our
opinions in blogs, forums and the general hype and/or hate machine
surrounding our titles of choice. Inevitably, some of us will feel very
much attached (or alternatively disappointed) with certain releases,
and it seems many of us have little hesistation in putting our
vociferious viewpoints forth. Enter the flame war.
Games journalists and ordinary "normies" are often accused of fishing
for heated reactions to their opinions, based on how congruent their
posts are with the mindset of the person reading on the other end.
Depending on whom you ask, "flaming" (or trolling) is often either
ludicrously frustrating, or hilariously entertaining.
In an inspired effort to gauge the sense of humour readers have,
Stephen Pastic presents this easy "how to" guide to starting a flame
war on a gaming website. FLAME ON!
Swear ridiculous allegiance to
a large company
Sony vs Nintendo vs Microsoft is a basic
beginners move here. You should always be looking to pretend that your
own livelihood and sense of self depends on a large, faceless
multinational development/publishing company, despite the fact that
they know nothing of you personally.
You alone should know that your lone
uninformed voice is far more powerful than an entire company's PR
department in winning the hearts and minds of fellow gamers. The
antiquated notion that opinions are as varied as people themselves
should have zero bearing on your wonderfully phrased analyses and
insight into why Nintendo is killing gaming, for example.
Show superiority via comparison
One
tried and tested rule of a professional flame-baiter is that nothing
proves your point better than comparing your title of choice to one
that doesnt resonate with you as strongly. While there are some
"informed" people who will use such comparisons to highlight differing
features of similar titles, they are clearly just being
subjective.
You
alone are the objective voice who knows the truth of the matter, and
also clearly understand the definition of the word "objectively". Just
think how many people will buy the wrong title (under the misguided
idea that they prefer another game) if you did not take the time to
show how Battlefield 3 is objectively better compared to Modern Warfare
3, to take a recent examplar.
Never back down
Occasionally, even the most hardy flamers
will encounter one of these "rational" people responding to their well
thought out arguments. Many weaker trollers can often be brought around
to a compromise on views via a viewpoint which seems well reasoned and
well researched - do not be fooled by this ruse!
Even if all seems lost, and you believe you are just coming across like
an opinionated asshole, a true flamer never loses sight of the fact
that they are right and everyone else is wrong. If you can overcome
reason, nobody can convince you that some people believe Haze to be a
somewhat disappointing title - Fight the good fight!
Know the appropriate response
Here we move into the advanced steps for all
you budding apprentice trolls. When you are presented with a
counterpoint to your brilliantly lucid prose, you should always be
aware of the correct way to respond. Even the most experienced among us
can be swayed into believing someone else simply has a different
opinion to our own.
A true flamer will never utter something to
the effect of "well, i personally disagree but i see your point". While
there are many ways to counter such an idea, calling someone's mother
into question with regard to her sexuality, physical size, or child
rearing skills is always a good starting point. Calling someone a
"faggot" or "retard" as often as possible is the gold standard here -
and always remember that such inflammatory remarks can never be
repeated too often. Be creative!
Key phrases
There are certain words and phrases which
will immediately silence any naysayers with regard to your praise
and/or critique. Whilst not a definitive list, gems such as "fanboy",
"n00b", "Micro$oft" and the aforementioned understanding of the
defintion of "objective" will prove to be invaluable tools to a flaming
enthusiast, and are at no risk of painting you as an uninformed
d*ckhead.
Always remember that your superior knowledge
of the intricacies of the english language which you clearly
demonstrate time and time again will put you in the position of
superiority.
These are just a few of the basic points to
consider as someone who totally knows what they are on about. Your
opinion and yours alone is the only one which can save the games
industry from the deluge of revered titles which actually suck hardcore
ass.
The road to becoming proficient at inciting
the useless exchange of heated opinions is not an easy one to tread,
but if you believe in yourself and abandon the outdated ideas of
rationality, you too can enter the upper echelons of digital
douchebaggery! Fan the flames, my friends!
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Game Trolling 101
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