The Olde World: iDon't Understand

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Reginald J. Bartley© is a best selling author, and also makes his own novelty T-Shirts which feature witty phrases such as "Stupid's With Me".

iGreetings and/or iSalutations from me, iReg Bartley. That's right fellow iReaders, yours truly has decided to embark on the information super motorway known as "The Interwebbing".

iGone are the days of purchasing a Gramophonic Perphondicular Audio Device from the local General Store in order to woo and/or spooge a local lass with classical tracks from Vivaldi or Benny Goodman and the Sausage Band.

Nowadays in this iEra of the aforementioned "Interlubing" and "Playing Stations" and "Toasters", one must work a great deal harder in order to keep hip to the jibby jives of our future...the children.

Recently, I went to the local grocery where I asked for my usual stock pile of Brill Cream and Asbestos, only to discover that the store had been taken over by a youthful pornography star who went by the screen name of Dick Smith. 

I later learned that the grocery store had been demolished some 57 years earlier, and that I was suffering from the late stages of a destructive form of dementia.

I once used a cat to clean windows.

After being told to "Stay clear, you hear! Please sir, put on your pants" by the friendly iStaff, I ventured down the lane way entitled "MP3". At first I fled in fear, as I was once a violent renegade against the Russian Government and often used MP3's to violently burn and pillage enemy villages.

It was later revealed to me that an MP3 was the space aged technology that was all the rage amongst children and teens with suicidal tendencies.

Add to this ingenious iInvention the new "craze", the "FaceSpace" and "MyBookers". I've only recently joined the "FaceSpace" (entitled Reg Bartley's Magestical and Magical FaceSpace), and have found that it's not only a great way to see friends - but a cheap way of downloading pictures of underage....*parts of this article have been edited due to ongoing investigations*... but I was eventually released on bail. No harm done.

But how does one make an enticing FacePlaceSpace? Is it a common interest in Moving Picture Films? Is it a common bond which fans of Benny Goodman and The Sausage Band can understand? iQuestions which we have all iAsked ourselves at one iTime or another. Thankfully, me - Reg Bartley - has the answers for you with my patented novella 15 Things You Need To iKnow About The MyBookers and FacingSpace: The Book!©.

Thing #1: Flashy Is Smashy

If there's one thing I have learnt about attracting iUser of the opposite iSex, it's that the more flashing eroticons you use - the better! My first wife, Beatrice, used to thrive in the boudoir whenst I would arrive home from a long day in The Mines (a male strip venue in which my father once owned) and cover myself in avocados.

Of course she was allergic to avocados, something we did not discover until the ambulance attendant pronounced her dead at the scene. Leaving me with three children to care for, and a naked body covered in avocado and hives, I discovered that flashy is smashy.

Thing #2: Image Is Everything

The key to successfully creating iFriends is an enticing Photo ID. Some choose for a simple head shot, some a "Photography Shopped" image. And others will use selected shots of their gen...*parts of this article have been removed due to ongoing investigations*...which, when hairless, looks like an alien.

Thing #15: Always Say You're Single

As a married man of over 68 years, I've come to the conclusion that acknowledging your avocado-allergenic deceased ex-wife to unsuspecting MyFacers will result in one thing - you will be blocked.

Try this for size: "I'm not going to kill you".

So there you go. While we are all hurtling towards the future at blistering speeds, it doesn't mean we have to be stuck in past. Take heed of these simple steps, and you too could become one of Reginald J. Bartley "Top Friends"...THE REG BARTLEY WAY©

Reg Bartley now has his own ARCHIVE! Revisit all of his adventures within THE OLDE WORLD.