The Olde World: The Atkins Diet

With Reg Bartley

Reginald J. Bartley© has studied under the tutorlage of Tennesse Williams, John Grisham and Dan Brown. He also studied under a bridge once because it was raining.

Who would have guessed that almost a century after the black plague wiped out half of London, we would all be hoping to stay clear of carbohydrates? Nostradamus, for one.

However, let's face it, he was quite general in his assumptions and beliefs and some say his name was simply Phillip Smith, so... he was possibly a bit of a show pony too.

I once released a book entitled 50 THINGS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAPPEN IN THE FUTURE DEPENDING ON HOW YOU INTERPRET WHAT I HAVE WRITTEN©. And in all honesty, it was quite well received, especially by the chemically dependent demographic. 

However, due to legal reasons, all books purchased by the somewhat paranoid audience were recalled due to the chapter entitled "Someone is Watching Over You" which caused city-wide riots throughout L.A. in the mid 1970s.

Which conveniently leads me to this topic: the Atkins Diet. What is it? Who invented it? And how do we avoid it? To answer the latter question, just eat bread.

When I think about diets, I'm reminded of a fable from my childhood, that of two German children, Hansel and Gretel. Both were unloved by their family, to the point that one day their father planned to take them out into the woods in the hope that they would get lost. 

Thinking fast, Gretel took a handful of bread crumbs and dropping them along the way she ensured that she would never get lost, leaving a trail back to their home. While Gretel may have survived, her brother was almost killed in a furnace by an old witch. But, in fairness, Hansel was a bit of a bastard.

The moral of the story? If you are on the Atkins Diet, you will have no way of getting home if your parents lead you out into the forest in order to lose you. But how does one lose weight if not on some kind of diet which has made a certain individual extremely rich from his book sales, and one self help author extremely poor and bitter when his highly rewarding "Eat Lard" diet didn't catch on?

Step Uno - Keep Active
There is nothing more dangerous to your bodily system than being inactive. That is, the act of not being active leading to a severe case of inactivity where little activity is activated... Excuse me for one second.... 

(*footsteps heard walking off to answer a ringing phone*)

"What? No, I don't know what that last sentence meant. No. No! Mother, you are not the boss of me! Why? Because you are almost 170, I'm pretty sure that's illegal in some states....What?..I don't know...Tasmania probably? Look, I have to go, I'm writing an article...

"I have to go... My tape recorder is still on and I haven't got a lot of tape left... Because tape is expensive these days mother, it's all digital - you know this, we've discussed it... I can't use my pocket money, I've spent it already... On important things mother... Yes... I told you not to touch them! They are my special magazines... Look, I have to go... The Atkins Diet, mother...Yes...Three times a day...Okay...I love you too...I'll see you tonight... No, No Stephanie isn't coming... Because...B ecause we broke up mother!... I don't know... She lost a lot of weight on the Atkins Diet and now she is seeing more people... It's complicated mother... No, just no carbs...Well, yes, I guess that's pretty simple... Look mum, I really have to go... I'm going through a tunnel... Krrssshh... Kssshhh......... Yes... I'm still here... Yes, I was making that sound with my mouth to make you think I was gone... Thankyou... I've thought about that also, mother... Because they already have someone to do that in the Police Academy films... Okay... I really must go... Love you too... Bye bye love"

(*Footsteps heard coming back to typewriter*)

Where was I? Ah yes, the art of clefting a rough cube of masonry in twain with naught but a paper clip and some blue tac. It all comes down to commitment and belief. If you truly believe you can do something, and visualise yourself doing it time and again, mind will overcome matter. 

If you are prepared to face the tough times, and possibly a number of broken metacarpals, you will take a small victory from the masonry. So there you go. By following these easy steps you too could be dominating the paving industry as the trooper who dared to dream. And not be fat...THE REG BARTLEY WAY©!

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