Women at Work: Too Much Emotion?

Obviously women will respond to criticism critically. If we were constantly trying to assert that men were emotionally and therefore intellectually deficient I don't think we'd hear many positive responses either.

- Emma

The men I work with want to be number one, want to feel great and will do anything to get there. They will use and promote an agenda for others if it will mean recognition and reward for them. The women I work with want to be number one, if you threaten them, they will crush you. They are not concerned about your agenda - just destroying it even if it means losing the war just to win the battle. Secure professionals of either sex have high ideas and promote the right agenda. They promote each other and build success. Sadly, they are far and few between.

- Healthcare Professional

Well, I'm going to remain so positively focused in all areas. Thank goodness for compassion as I know there will be times when I feel overwhelmed.

- Debra

I believe that to be professional requires you not to be emotional. So be it. I do believe that men give in too much to womens' moans etc... and what happens when men stand up, they get called jerks or women haters or whatever. Both sexes need to treat others how they would want to be treated and if women want to gain respect they must curb their emotions when the time calls for it. I am not saying that men aren't at fault whatsoever, but this is the truth. I believe men are at fault for allowing women to walk all over them. Men do not like to fight with women, (only with men) so why do women like to fight with men? Is it because we are men?

- Kay

Boy oh boy, if this isn't a bunch of bullshizznit. I have noticed in my office that there is a direct correlation between cattiness and intelligence in both sexes. The more intelligent a person is, the less catty. I believe Anna Ellenor Roosevelt said it best: 'Great minds talk about ideas. Average minds talk about events. Small minds talk about people.'

- Jethrodine

Men don't usually cry at the drop of a hat or have as many mood swings and neither do they, on average, have as many severe emotional reactions or even 'whine' as much as your average woman. Unless they're gay, the five that I've personally known are like that anyway and they admit it, though there are always exceptions. Any doctor who can help masculinity and femininity communicate so that they don't kill each other and, heaven forbid, be at peace and live successfully with one another should be made a saint just for trying. 

Do you know how difficult it is to deal with an emotional person? 

They don't seem to think, they just react and nitpick, and I have had to deal with my share of man-bitches but I won't lie, most of the negative emotional experiences have come from women. I may, of course, just been numerologically cursed to happen upon most women during that time of the month (and we ALL know how fun that is, don't we?). I love the politically correct but it is a
known fact that women are more emotionally wired than the other sex. What's wrong with letting men know how to deal with it and women how to cope with it?

- Jamie

I am a professional woman and I've worked in a predominantly male field for about 30 years. I don't whine, I work hard and try to communicate my ideas and directives as straightforwardly as I can. Although I prefer to work independently that is not always the case and have found that I am good at facilitating teamwork and am exceptional at conflict resolution. I try to be neutral about office politics. I do my job as well and have earned a high degree of respect but there are many times that minding my own business and going on about my job in as professional a manner as possible, just what many of my male colleagues do, is seen as cold and calculating in a woman. Go figure.

- Jamee

Well, I am in the financial industry and being a man I see this emotional dilema all too often and I have spoken to many managers and owners of businesses about this issue and the most constant reason I hear that women are being hired in the office type environments and service industries is that they are less expensive to hire seems to be the constant reply. I believe and experience there are exceptions to this over emotional problem but it is definately an obstacle to business, especially high stress industries. 

I deal with it by holding my ground at all times and if the woman expresses her concern in an issue I will attempt to make it clear to her why the issue is serious or pending but you know the old saying 'If you can't take the heat get out of the fire' as I am not the woman's boyfriend or loving relation and they have to understand that the real world is not always sesame street. 

If they want to be single mothers etc. and go out in the world and be in he work force then get ready for dealing with the public and all its stress, deadlines, and pressures or get back in the house and cook dinner. If you have to go cry go in the bathroom and come out and do what needs to be done. Remember ladies this is a man's world and always will be.

- Mr H.

I may not hold a PhD or give lectures, or write books. But as a woman I know this: "Women have to speak the language of men at work" is so wrong. Men like Dr. Gray father sons and daughters who will continue to believe (and live) this sexist idea.

- Aries

I do not think emotion is limited to the female worker. However society has taught males to hide and suppress emotions where socially women have been allowed to express themselves more openly and it is much more accepted. I think where these worlds collide is on the corporate hallways and boardrooms. Expressing yourself and becoming emotional are two different things. Everyone should maintain a certain professional demeanor at work - male or female. 

Do we? Not always. Should we? We should strive to not allow our emotions impact those around us. 

It will not matter how great a contributor you are because all you will be remembered for is your temper or crying outbursts and it will overshadow your accomplishments and people will not want to work with you. That is not good for business - plain and simple. It is not right or wrong to be emotional, we are all human. I do agree that if a job creates such a level of stress you feel emotional all the time -- then it may be time to change your job or figure out what triggers your emotions and learn techniques to deal with it excuse yourself and collect your composure. 

Easier said that done sometimes I agree, and I have had to apologise for temper flairs or deal with consequences of a project I got a bit too passionate about and forgot my manners. Be human, be happy, manage stress and your emotions will follow. Life is too short.

- Kim

I work in a small company that is predominantly a female environment. 22 Females - 5 males. In my time working for this company I have noticed a pattern - most of the woman band together, single a person out whether they be male or female, belittle them and make them feel like they are worthless. When this is achieved, the focus will then turn to someone else. I call it the 'Two Week Cycle' because one person is singled out for a period of two weeks before the focus moves to another. They also tend to give them the silent treatment. This can last for days. 

Most of the time the other person might not know that there were any problems. I have noticed this at other places of employment but it doesn't tend to be as bad where there are less women or the male to female ratios are more balanced. When males work together and have a work related disagreement they can say their words, either rationally or heated and then get over it within a short amount of time. I have come to the conclusion that the majority of women lack maturity, no matter what their age. Honestly it's like being back in primary school.

- Paj

I think it is awareness that brings about change. So if we can understand more about Men, and Men can understand more about women, it is win-win for all. I think Dr. John Gray was not just talking about Women changing or adapting for men... it is more about understanding men more and adapting our behavious so we benefit... also it allows the men to understand women more. 

- Nicole

Over the past two months, I have had more than six encounters with catty women, almost all from younger ages (I'm 45). As a woman, this saddens me very much. I feel like a ninny for having had the attitude that women should stick together because I came of age when women had far fewer opportunities than they now have. 

I now believe that although some women understand themselves deeply enough to not harbor jealousy towards other women, so many women are still  so insecure that they need to put other women down. In any case, I recognise this and try not to ever lower myself to behave in this type of catty manner.

- Terri

Have you ever been around a male when he is 'mad'? Try living with my dad if you haven't. No one can generalise all women are this way and all men are another because of a little thing called genes. Anyone heard of them? Although I am sticking up for this point, it does not mean I think women are superior or inferior to men. Some men never cry some do... Some women rarely cry some always do. It all depends on the person you come across. 

All you women haters out there probably just had bad experiences with them and visa versa. Some men I'm around are total girls and no, they are not gay. When most men get emotional they close themselves out of everything and everyone. They also get really offended by the smallest things. Women, as we all know, PMS. Most get really angry and want to pick fights and argue. Some don't however. Point being, there are good and bad things to each gender equally.

- Dr. Brigham

Total bunk. In my many years of work, I have witnessed the emotional breakdown of men and women equally. The one difference I myself have noticed, though not written in stone (nothing is), is that men tend to be either complete megalomanical crackpots or easygoing push overs. Women tend to be more steady. 

I think every workplace benefits from both influences. In order to move forward as a race, we're going to have to respect our differences. I've also found that backstabbing and gossiping is just as prevalent in men as in women. I remember being irritated over a pastor at a church I once attended who spent an entire hour and a half discussing the evils of WOMEN's gossip. Not the evils of gossip, but WOMEN's gossip. I complained to my father, a petrochemist, who told me that men gossip just as much as women and proved it to me by showing me video footage of a meeting he facilitated with only men in attendance. The meeting should have only been 20 minutes but dragged out to over an hour as everyone had to whine, cry, complain and maliciously gossip about those not in attendance or any new rules/regulations they were going to be subject to. 

It made me feel so much better as women are slighted for this ALL THE TIME. 

I love my dad :)

- Rebekah

I am in the financial industry and being a man I see this emotional dilemma all too often and I have spoken to many managers and owners of businesses about this issue and the most constant reason I hear that women are being hired in the office type environments and service industries is that they are less expensive to hire. I believe and experience there are exceptions to this over emotional problem but it is definitely an obstacle to business especially high stress industries. 

I deal with it by holding my ground at all times and if the woman expresses her concern in an issue I will attempt to make it clear to her why the issue is serious or pending but you know the old saying 'If you cant take the heat get out of the fire' as I am not the woman's boyfriend or loving relation and they have to understand that the real world is not always Sesame Street. If they want to be single mothers etc and go out in the world and be in he work force then get ready for dealing with the public and all its stress, deadlines and pressures or get back in the house and cook dinner. If you have to go cry, go in the bathroom and come out and do what needs to be done. 

Remember ladies, this is a man's world and always will be.

- Mr. H

I can't say that, as a man, I don't get emotional at work sometimes. I think that it's natural to get frustrated or annoyed with circumstances that are beyond my control. However, every night my girlfriend keeps me fully informed about her progress at work for the day, and usually she seems to have either had an amazing time laughing and joking with her colleagues or she's had the 'worst day ever' and that the people she works with are 'absolute w@nkers that should be sacked'.

There is no middle ground and no stability from one day to the next and I for one find that very difficult to deal with. Luckily I don't have to work with her.

- Jon

I think it is important in this conversation to recognise that different kinds of emotions are received differently at work. In my experience, there are some emotional patterns that are much more common in men than in women in the professional workplaces - for example, aggressively displayed anger. 

I suspect that in many situations both men and women are likely to respond emotionally, but the patterns of how those emotions are displayed can be very different - and those that are transformed into aggressiveness are actually received better than those that are not. To make matters worse, I often suspect that, to the extent that women are able to learn the habits men have of transforming their frustrations into more aggressive patterns, they are then socially penalized - in small part at work, and to a much larger extent in their personal lives. 

There is more of a conflict between the emotional patterns that are accepted/reinforced/rewarded in one's professional life and in one's personal life for women than there is for men.

- Rebecca

I work with a great mixture of men and women. I have seen both men and women get upset, in fact I have had more men than women cry in front of me. Is it because I allow them to do it without feeling it is wrong?

What is wrong with crying anyway, isn't it called being human? I do have to admit that the only gender to upset me has been female, to the point that I didn't want to go to work for a few days for fear of being in the same situation.

As someone who remains professional and treats others with enormous respect, it really throws me off guard when I am verbally attacked in a catty manner by female colleagues. The sad thing is that I think some women believe that being assertive means to be overbearing and downright rude.

Yes, women can be awfully unprofessional in their approach and very catty when under pressure. If that can change - all the better!

- Alicia

There is still too much gender-based inequality in the work force. If this sentiment is incorrect then why are American women still struggling to make the same salaries that their male counterparts are making? Why is it that in many companies men are actively promoted to positions of power much more easily than women?

This is not necessarily the rule, however in many organisations I know the same trends seem to be occurring and this is upsetting on many levels. Have we progressed at all?

- Aleigh M.

I am a woman who has very little good to say about her own gender! My experiences in the workplace have been unbelievably bad when it comes to being backstabbed, gossiped about, betrayed, and misunderstood by other women with whom I have worked.

I have found that women cannot be rational and unbiased with female co-workers.

There has been social clicque-ishness, social exclusion, and character assassination -- with the intent to destroy. It wasn't mere idle office gossip.

It comes down to the childishly destructive intent of the emotionally immature women in the workplace! They have little ability to behave rationally and logically - to be team players. This behaviour in women at work was not just with one business/employer, but has been seen again and again at several workplaces over a period of decades!

- Jeannie

I would like to state that this comment (by Steve Wright) is obviously written by an incompetent person who can not spell and is also gramatically incorrect in one of his last sentances.

He says that he works with open-minded males, which I suspect he believes himself to be one, yet he just generalised all females to be emotional freaks. Therefore, he makes himself look like an incompetent hypocrite.

- Jen

I work in an environment where most of the workers are female and we do get overly emotional at times. Our world has changed where we have to be out there and I do think men should give us some leeway in some areas.

We are supposed to be different to complement each other.

- Annie

As a woman, what I resent is the implication that any emotion, even a positive emotion, (excitement, enthusiasm, thrill) is seen as a negative?

- Amy

Dr. Gray is a fraud. Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth. Deal with it! Want to learn about men and women relationships, check out the craigslist personals.

- Foxy Brown

I believe what Dr. Gray has to say has some merit. I'm a 62 year old woman who believes in evolution, not revolution. When my great uncle came to NYC from Ireland in the late 1800s, the signs at the hiring hall said 'No Irish Need Apply.'

Instead of huffing off to a bar he spelled his name in the English fashion and got a job. Twenty years later, being Irish was cool, and he had a nice house. Playing the "mans" game until women achieve parity is smart.

- Maureen, New York City

I think all women have no place in the workplace. They whinge, moan, change the mind all day long and base their decisions on how they feel at the time.

You probably won't print this because you will be a woman yourself and you will inevitably have an emotional reaction to this and (what a surprise) not post it on the site. Nevertheless, I work in a team of 6 open-minded males and this is not just me but ALL of our votes.

- Steve Wright

It is important to note the emphasis on the requirement of women to change their attitude/behaviour in the workplace and not men. Time and time again we see the same thing, men=right way and women=wrong way.

It is the catch 22 that women face everyday on the workplace, if they speak their minds they are bitches and if they don't they get stomped into the ground by those around them, actually other women do some of the stomping too.

When women finally reach management positions they have to work extra hard to keep it and get the cooperation and respect of those around her, she has to rally her troops. Men on the other hand can walk around the office enjoying the implicit support of those around him, confident in his ability. He suffers no self doubt, he knows that those around him respect him without question.

It's an everyday fight that perpetuates the position of women and makes this situation seem 'normal'. Well it's not normal, and the site of change needs to be focussed on men's attitudes and behaviour in the work place, and not women.

- Pamela

I do not care if women do work. So don't shoot me!

- Justin Barbata

Getting a bit fired up there aren't you girls? - Emotional perhaps? I find it strange that it has only been the female gender that has written in so far.

Well, I'm about to take the first step for mankind.

Ladies if you want respect don't jump down our throats at any given chance - simple.

- Sam

I agree. Women are too emotional. So shoot me.

- Melissa (P.R.)

The differences between individuals far exceed the differences between genders, so for people to rely on gender as an excuse for poor communication is quite lazy and disrespectful.

The 'language of men' shouldn't be the standard to strive for; better communication strategies are more important things to focus on for individuals, not men vs. women.

- Natasha

Unfortunately, Dr Gray is correct in that women are too emotional in the workplace - as perceived by men. I have seen numerous instances where women have drawn the short straw because they have expressed their emotions.

After 30 years plus dealing with the glass ceiling, I'm starting to become disillusioned about bashing my head against it. It would be nice if we could just recognise once and for all that there are two sexes in the workplace and therefore two 'operating systems', neither of which is better or worse than the other, but together have the option of being extremely complimentary and successful for all involved.

But I fear that glass ceiling is only getting thicker!

- Terri

I find it strange that as a supposedly educated man Dr.Gray is trotting out the same old tired stereotypes from the '50s to support his workshops. Isn't it time for everyone in the work place to grow up and act like adults?

Adults treat each other with respect, understand every one has differences and learn to co-operate to get the task done. Stealing, selfishness and emotional frigidity are signs of immaturity, not the behaviour of a grown man. Needing constant attention, fear of self assertion and inappropriate emotional behaviour is a sign of immaturity and not the behaviour of a grown woman.

If he believes that men put a positive spin on rejection, I suggest he listen next time a guy loses a promotion, a job offer or a girl friend. By the way Dr. Gray, anger is an emotion.

- Matthew

Why do women 'have to speak the language of men at work'?? Women may have different responses to men to situations which is their strength, and their emotional base makes them more empathetic, more giving and flexible in their thinking and therefore more able to think laterally and come up with win-win solutions.

A conversation between two women in the workplace is often refreshingly about finding solutions rather than about a battle of egos. Maybe men should learn to 'speak the language of women at work'?

Dr Gray has approached the issue from a very 1950s sexist viewpoint - the assumption that the male way is the correct way and women should be conforming to this. I thought the point was that different personalities and approaches creates diversity and are pluses in the modern work place.

- Niki

I think women and men aren't always different. When people say "women are sensitive and men are barbarians", that's crazy. Sometimes, when a man is sad he cries. It is normal for a man to cry, since he's a human.

I'm not sure that men are alone to value their career, either. Some women live only for their job - that's why they haven't a family. In my opinion, it's stupid to live only for a job.

- Priscillia

Frankly, what men think of me is none of my business. I don't have the time or energy to worry about whether I'm 'behaving well' in the eyes of the men I work (or play) with.

Women have power and men don't like that.

As stated by your other readers, I'll be as emotional or non-emotional as I want to be and I'll not be controlled by anyone -- man or woman. This picture of women flitting around crying every time something goes wrong is just ridiculous. Dr Gray does not now and has never impressed me. It's always been his mantra that women need to work hard to understand men.

Give me a break.

- Sue

Dr. Gray, in my opinion, is relying on the Mars/Venus theory to a point of offense. I mean the supposed gender differentation of emotional expression is ... ahem ... a load of crap.

The way we react to our surroundings relies very heavily on things like how we were raised, what our home environment was like etc. There is not an innate 'masculine' or 'feminine' way of dealing with emotion. It differs from person to person and there is truly no way to group and compare this between the genders. I mean ... come on!

As I've said, each person responds differently, emotionally, to stimuli .. EVERY person ... one man will not likely respond the same way to sexual harassment as another, just as one woman would not respond as another... just as the reactions of one woman and one man would differ. Therefore, even if there were the presumptuous gender difference, it would be too nebulous to categorise when checked along with the differences between individuals.

- Cris

Let's stop 'tricking' each other and start becoming ourselves. That is the real challenge.

I read Dr Gray's book years ago and found it to be a lesson in manipulation of the sexes. Why not just become yourself? If anything, in my workplace, I find myself educating the blokes and learning from them too.

Men love women. Women love men. Let's become ourselves, there's nothing sadder to see than a woman trying to make it in a man's world by offloading her femininity. We wiser women need to help the younger ones too.

- Cathy

He has a lot of nerve. I find his article ridiculously unprofessional and almost offensive. If men really think a woman is weak because she speaks her mind and is emotional, they are NOT worth knowing and it's not worth striving so damn hard to keep their repsect.

- D

Yes women ARE too emotional at work! As a woman I am extremely embarrassed by this emotional behaviour (crying, shouting, slamming doors, voicing their opinion loudly, etc), I find it to be inappropriate behaviour for a so called 'professional'.

I do not cry at work, I do not demand 'respect', I do not shout 'go girl' at every chance I get, I do not use my 'womanly charms' to succeed. I do not act like a man, I do not dress like a man.

I behave in a professional manner at all times - this earns respect. I ensure I know my particular field of expertise well - this earns respect. I am very happy at work and I work along side many men and I feel totally accepted, respected, listened to and valued. What is the problem ladies?

- Sharyn

I am surprised to learn Dr. Gray's view that women should try to talk men's language in order to be accepted and successful in the office. I think the different way of expressing by men and women can be accepted by each others, just like we have different color of flowers.

Obviously, this has a long way to go in a men-dominant work place, especially like engineering areas. I can understand that the idea of Dr. Gray's may provide a short cut to women's success, however, should we compromise our principle for a success rather than to 'educate' the other side - men?

- Irene

I agree with Dr Gray, women workers do tend to be more emotional than male workers. Female emotional behaviour has evolved over time to induce males to appease them. It is unrealistic to expect women in the workforce to change their emotional behaviour.

Because, although men do not treat them as equals because of this behaviour, women gain more advantages by being more emotional. For example women now enjoy a large number of government supported measures (laws etc.) to enforce their 'equality' and acceptance in the workforce.

Unfortunately these measures only cause men to feel less respect for women in the long term. Governments should be encouraging male and female workers to accept their complementary differences rather than expect women to 'act' like men and visa versa.

- Matt

I believe that women, in general, do not demand enough respect from men - in the workplace, at home, or at the local pub. If women were more serious about their own roles as equals, men would be forced to treat us as equals.

We must change our attitudes from "Please respect me" to "You will respect me."

I'm sorry, I will never conform to the 'language of men' ~ if you can't understand what I'm saying, listen harder! I will never smile and say, "Yes, thank you for stealing my idea..." I will stand up for myself, I will be emotional if I wish to be so, and I will still be respected.

Women cannot deny female qualities but we do not have to act like men to be respected. Dr. Gray is not the answer for Australian women. If we want change, it will come from within us.

- Janis

What a surprise, all women and all criticism. I have been a believer in equal rights for a long time, but with such a focus on the concept of 'equal rights' we will never be able to move forward and become equals.

Women want everything changed to accommodate them. Unfortunately, whether right or wrong most workplaces are male dominated, or at least have been, and we all have to adjust. Not just women, but less aggressive effeminate males as well. Adopt the old ACL principle and Accept, Change or Leave if you are unhappy.

- Daniel

I think men feel threatened by a woman who is a) obviously intelligent and making no attempt to downplay it, and b) physically attractive. They can't reconcile the two and it disturbs them.

They in fact are far more likely to react emotionally to a woman's successful idea than the other way round, and they can be considerably more viciously 'bitchy' in seeking revenge, particularly if the woman refuses to flirt with them. Ho hum.

- Helen

Dr. Gray's comment that "Women have to speak the language of men at work" implies that the 'language of men' is the operating style we should be striving for. Mmmmmm.......

Focusing solely on the differences between men/women rather than accepting and developing strategies to work with the many personality styles that exist in any organisation is self limiting.

- Angela

Hi, my name is Tanya and I am sorry I missed this lecture by Dr. Gray. Oh how I wish I had been there to speak for many women. Interesting once again that the correction of attitude and behaviour was laid at the feet of women.

How about the men correcting their lack of emotionality and give themselves permission to validate and not shame women for this healthy expression of the same experience.

When men decide that the expression of emotions is to be shamed, perhaps it's the other way around - emotions are our internal gage of our feelings - energy in motion??

And it's high time we embraced our inner self, our emotions and integrated them with our intellect so that we achieve wholeness. Dr. Gray's book to me is actually the opposite to reality, in fact I admire women for expressing themselves and I know it's far healthier than suppression, so I believe because men (including Dr. Gray) are so frightened of their inner world [and] the power of their emotions, they would find it easier to shame women.

- Tanya B