Be assertive and 'stress less'

By KEVIN JONES

For some people, assertiveness comes as naturally to them as the ability to whistle or tie their shoes.

You can often recognise it before you even meet them. They have a confident, calm, rational air about them and you know instinctively that they never get pushed around, metaphorically speaking.

Then there are the less fortunate. Perhaps people like yourself....

You know the type: you would expect them to start quoting quantum physics formulae before you would expect them to stand up for themselves.

Assertiveness to them is the Holy Grail; an almost mythical quality that they are told exists but remains seemingly unattainable.

Then there is a third type: the person who believes he or she is being assertive and standing up for their beliefs when they are just being plain aggressive.

They cannot tell the difference between being downright "bolshy" and being firm, resolute and rational in a potentially confrontational situation. The fact that they might sometimes get their own way only serves to blur their false view of assertiveness. They are more likely to have "won" in any given situation because their protagonist has backed down in the interests of keeping the peace.

There lies a crucial component: the aggressive person seeks a win-lose situation, whereas the assertive person seeks a win-win outcome wherever possible.

Non-assertiveness is a curse that harms many a relationship, hamstrings many a career and complicates many a life. But assertiveness is something that can be learned. You might not end up exuding the effortless self-confidence of those who are naturally assertive, but you can significantly improve your lot with a bit of training.

Many people who would love to be assertive actually practise non- assertiveness. They have a perhaps unconscious but nevertheless clear pattern of behaviour that they have taught themselves over the years.

Whether it is in a workplace situation or within a relationship or friendship, they will prefer to stay silent when they feel they or their viewpoint is under attack.

Often this will be justified by a statement like: "It's just not worth the hassle, so I don't really respond."

It might not be worth the hassle at the time but it doesn't prevent what assertiveness trainers call "self-talk" or "mind chatter" from lingering in their head for hours, days or weeks as they agonise over their inability to put their point of view across.

This type of interaction can be very damaging over a long period of time. Setting yourself up in the workplace as someone who gives others permission to inhibit your behaviour is, firstly, a direct cause of stress and secondly an open invitation for people to use and abuse you in future.

It becomes a case of "if you act like a doormat, people will use you like one".

Barbara Woodward, as assertiveness training specialist, puts it in plain words: "Assertiveness can be learnt over a period of time and putting it into action will allow you to act in your own interests, without stepping on the toes of others.

"If you are concerned about hurting those around you at work or home by being assertive, think again. You will be not only doing yourself a favour, but all of those who you have interpersonal communication with."

Assertiveness trainers accentuate the positive when it comes to spruiking their art.

They push the fact that being and feeling assertive is like renewing your energy level.

They emphasise that with their training, over time you can reduce your stress levels by reducing the anxiety and 'mind chatter'.

Says Barbara Woodward: "Above all, you will start to be confident and look confident. It is like a snowball.

"Once your confidence grows and you display quick automatic assertive responses, the 'office bully' is less likely to go on the attack.

"Once again, perception is reality. That is, if you appear together and strong others are less likely to tackle you."

There are scores of assertiveness training opportunities available - some reputable, some not-so reputable. If you wish to get involved in assertiveness training, you will want to get it right first-time.

The assertiveness training "industry" is largely unregulated, so it is important that you find a reputable organisation. Your doctor may be able to put you in touch with a suitable organisation or give you a referral to a psychologist who can recommend the best options for you.

What you are basically searching for is a program that trains you in the basic techniques, focuses on your individual issues, produces some tailor-made solutions, and provides strategies that you can put into action.

A reputable trainer will also provide optional follow-up services to keep you on track.

At the end of your training you will want to be in a position where you understand yourself in relation to assertiveness and conflict; where you have developed the self-esteem that will allow you to be assertive; where you can manage the anxiety that often prevents assertive behaviour; and be able to practise new ways of communicating in a supportive environment.

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