Direct Answers

With Wayne and Tamara

No Girl's Dream

I’ll go out on a limb here and see what you have to say. Nothing ventured, nothing lost. My girlfriend and I have been dating for eight years. We share many interests, such as camping, scuba diving, traveling, and just being together.

Although outwardly we are a couple, lately we seem to be drifting apart. We have, in the past, experimented with the swinging lifestyle. From my point of view it was freeing and fun, but at no time did I lose sight of who I was with and why we were there. It came to a sudden end when her insecurities and jealousies surfaced, much to my chagrin.

Here’s the problem. Our sex life has gone downhill over the last 8-10 months. My girlfriend has subtly accused me of affairs with other women. She feels I have no sexual desire for her, and at this point in her life, seems to see things that aren’t there and feel things without merit. I am still very much in love with her, but lately it has been impossible to look past her shortcomings. The last week we have been in a quiet period and not talking. What friendly words of advice can you give me, or us, to work through the turmoil? 

Is this something we should be taking to a counselor?

- Ralph

Ralph, Tamara and I didn’t have to teach our Samoyed to den-up before a storm, or our golden retriever to fetch. Similarly, you don’t need to teach a terrier to dig or a rottweiler to herd. It’s in their nature to do so.

It is not surprising your girlfriend felt insecure and jealous while you had sex with other women. It is perfectly natural. It is not in a woman’s nature to desire that lifestyle. Some women go along with it to keep a man, or because of emotional problems, but it is contrary to their nature.

You talk about her shortcomings. Is that a way not to examine your own? For eight years you were together, and the relationship never progressed. You added third parties to spice things up. Your shortcoming was failing to admit you felt she wasn’t enough for you.

You two may share some nice memories and common interests, but the relationship failed. Love was replaced with sex and experimentation. Your girlfriend’s jealousy and accusations are the result of what you did to satisfy yourself. That’s the bottom line. That is what you are not admitting.

You can face it tonight or face it tomorrow, but face it you will. She is on the verge of realising she tried to get it all from someone who can’t give it all to her.

- Wayne 

Threesomes

I'm just curious how many couples met their demise by bringing a third or fourth person into the relationship?

While we were seeking sex partners together, it seemed as if everyone does it. Online is filled with willing people, and those people became a reality. So we thought it was true. People do this sort of thing.

Well, then it happened. We crashed and burned. "How can you do that in front of me?" 

"But you wanted me to." 

"You have feelings for him, don't you?" 

This ultimately destroyed our marriage.

I feel violated and have shut down emotionally and physically. I am trying to understand why I did something so wrong against my better judgment and intuition. I am trying to understand why he would want to share me, then blame me.

- Portia

Portia, you would have saved yourself the embarrassment and humiliation if you realised your marriage was over when he brought the subject up. A man may have many sex partners, but he doesn't want marriage to a woman who has sex with many men. We never tire of saying that intuition is the most reliable guide.

- Tamara

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