The Perfect Mother?

By Allie Ochs

There are many different types of mothers: young and old mothers, single or married mothers, mothers-in-law and stepmothers, ill or deceased mothers, close-by or far-away mothers, funny or serious mothers, protective or trusting mothers, modest or jealous mothers, strict or easy-going mothers and working or stay-home mothers.

These are the mothers we are and the mothers we love. But, is there a perfect mother?

On Mother’s Day, when we honour our mothers they all seem perfect. No matter how complicated our mother-daughter relationship may be, on Mother’s Day most of us are able to set our differences aside to celebrate our mothers.  Our mothers forget the times we ignored their advice, tested their patience, hurt their feelings and didn’t give them credit, because we thought we knew better.

Mother-daughter relationships are often subject to competition and power struggles. As a teenager, my daughter Nina announced many times that the last thing she wanted was to be like me. She would do everything differently. She would serve her kids breakfast until they leave the house – I stopped this service when she turned 8. She would allow her kids to watch TV when they wanted – I restricted TV to a couple of hours on weekends. She would let her kids have a phone in their room – I refused to do that. She would not make her kids clean house, wash the car, cut the lawn or cook – I did.

Many of us felt the same way about our mothers – we didn’t want to be like them. Our mothers are our mirrors allowing us to see our own flaws. We criticize in them what we don’t like in ourselves.  And we can’t help but become a lot like our mothers. When my daughter set up house with her boyfriend they couldn’t agree on how to raise their new puppy, let alone kids. She wanted to discipline while he wanted to spoil. Needless to say their relationship didn’t last. Much later she said: “Mum, I liked the way you raised me, because I like who I am and what I do and I know what I want.”

The irony is that not only did she become like me, she became a much better me. Today, I see in her all the things I wanted to be. She perfected the imperfect me and in this sense, we are all perfect mothers. Ideally our children build upon the best of us to find their own identity in this world. Whatever type of mother you may have, remember, that before you were anything there was your mother or as Helen Hunt Jackson said:

 “The woman who creates and sustains a home and under whose hands children grow up to be strong and pure men and women, is a creator second only to God.”